I wake up daily, but I am barely alive. I complete tasks, but I am barely content. I am filled with contempt for myself, for what I have become. I have nothing that I am proud of. I have lived all my life afraid of the authority. Why is it so hard for me to feel better? With every problem I solve, another takes root and I am engulfed in its flames, forever. I do not know when I can rest peacefully.
As I write this at 3am, I ask myself: “What am I still alive?”. Too scared to end myself and too tired of failing life, I am crushed by my thoughts.
Nothing seems bright anymore. I am too distant from anyone to talk to, no one I can take help from. My friends; they left me hanging to the last bit of hopes when I needed them the most.
I have never felt love, love that lets me cry my eyes out on a warm lap, love that reassures me that I do not have to push myself so hard everyday. I wonder if there’s any hope for me to feel love in this lifetime. I weep when its dark, when everyone’s gone to bed. All I can do is sit at the computer and write about my pain. I have lost all hope in finding anyone I can talk to.
Am I going to live such a mundane life? None to care for and none who care for me? I do not want such a life. Walking on the edge of a mountain is not what I want for the rest of my life. Such luck is mine, a waste of time. Should I make the decision? do I end it all? I do not know.. maybe when the last bit of hope fades away, I shall do the deed.
Comments
April 8, 2021 06:50
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. You have to know why you are here if there is hope for you to continue. Find that knowledge before your shadow consumes you. All of your heroes are gone, and there’s no one left to hold back the night… or is there? Be safe friend, don’t you dare go hollow.
April 8, 2021 12:50
@Aviso thanks for the comment, friend. I still have a little hope that I am hanging onto. As much as I long for the hollows, I am but a human and it scares me.